My Second Pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant it was a big surprise. Alex was away on a golf trip with my Dad and I had been busy getting ready for a baby shower for a friend. I was SO exhausted after a long day of preparation and I began thinking... this isn't normal tired, this is like, pregnancy tired! So I stopped at Walgreens to pick up a pregnancy test. I knew it was a little early to tell, but once I got the idea in my head, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I had to find out. Sure enough, there was a faint little line! I was really excited and really excited to tell Alex! Of course he didn't believe me at first but once it sunk it he was really excited.

We took our time telling people, I thought it was SO fast and people would think we were crazy considering how hard the last pregnancy was. But I was pleasantly surprised at how excited everyone was for us. I was nervous about what the future would hold but hopeful that things would be fine.

Alex and I decided not to find out the gender, we wanted to know what it would be like to find out when the baby came out. And it really wasn't that hard not to know, we enjoyed the suspense. We were really hoping and praying for a boy though. Ever since I can remember I have always loved the name William and when I found out Alex's Grandpa's name was William, I knew that was what we would name our first son. His Grandpa is 91 and we knew there wouldn't be a lot of time left for him to meet his namesake.

When I was 16 weeks a long, it was the end of October and we drove to Colorado for a long week in the mountains. It was BEAUTIFUL and a wonderful week away. But this is when I started to feel pain and knew that I needed to start being careful.

As I was going into appointments the midwives wanted me to be careful and were watching me closely. By 23 weeks I knew that things were not going well. I was getting shots every week to try and help but they did nothing. At the 23 week appointment I was getting an ultrasound and the technician really freaked out because my cervix was funneling and the baby was really low. They sent me straight to the hospital and didn't even want me to stand at all.

I was so upset. I felt horrible for leaving my little baby girl at home. It was November 30th, she was only 15 months old. The night before I remember rocking her for a long time while she slept, I didn't want to put her in her crib, and I think God wanted me to have that moment with her. Every night in the hospital I would stay up until one or two in the morning because I dreaded falling asleep alone. I couldn't even bare to think about all the precious time I was losing with my little girl. She didn't know me anymore. We were so close and ever since then, even now, she has always preferred Daddy before me. I was the Mom who never went anywhere without her baby. Evy was horrible at taking a bottle because she was so used to me always being there. I was powerless to do anything.

With our friends new baby Alexander

Bedrest in the hospital is a lot like prison, I'm sad to say. The only thing I had control over was when I wanted to take a shower. I would get to choose my meals, but that was only from a hospital cafeteria menu. Some days I was so depressed I couldn't even face the phone call it took to order the meal and they would have to call me to make sure I had a chance to order. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time in a persons life- and I look back on that time as such a dark period. It's hard to even write about it.

I questioned so much during that time, and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I didn't want to burden Alex, he was a single parent working a full time job and as a worship leader at our church. I think he didn't even know what to do- except stay busy and try to make ends meet. 

The doctors and nurses overall were wonderful, there were times when I had to go on an IV to get medication to stop contractions, or get shots. I have had so many crazy things done to me in relation to my pregnancies, before that I had never been in the hospital for anything. Instead of dealing with it, I had to be strong for everyone else and try to carry on. Every night I cried out to God asking Him why He wanted me to go through this. I would never get that time back with my girl.

But right away I would think of those parents who could do nothing but wait and pray while their one pound baby fought for her life. Or the couple to was begging God to let them have a baby and just get pregnant at all. There were still things to be thankful for and I tried to focus on that.

God didn't promise that this life would be easy. He knew that "the testing of my faith would produce steadfastness" and I knew that He was molding me and making me into who He wants me to be.