My Second Pregnancy

When I found out I was pregnant it was a big surprise. Alex was away on a golf trip with my Dad and I had been busy getting ready for a baby shower for a friend. I was SO exhausted after a long day of preparation and I began thinking... this isn't normal tired, this is like, pregnancy tired! So I stopped at Walgreens to pick up a pregnancy test. I knew it was a little early to tell, but once I got the idea in my head, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I had to find out. Sure enough, there was a faint little line! I was really excited and really excited to tell Alex! Of course he didn't believe me at first but once it sunk it he was really excited.

We took our time telling people, I thought it was SO fast and people would think we were crazy considering how hard the last pregnancy was. But I was pleasantly surprised at how excited everyone was for us. I was nervous about what the future would hold but hopeful that things would be fine.

Alex and I decided not to find out the gender, we wanted to know what it would be like to find out when the baby came out. And it really wasn't that hard not to know, we enjoyed the suspense. We were really hoping and praying for a boy though. Ever since I can remember I have always loved the name William and when I found out Alex's Grandpa's name was William, I knew that was what we would name our first son. His Grandpa is 91 and we knew there wouldn't be a lot of time left for him to meet his namesake.

When I was 16 weeks a long, it was the end of October and we drove to Colorado for a long week in the mountains. It was BEAUTIFUL and a wonderful week away. But this is when I started to feel pain and knew that I needed to start being careful.

As I was going into appointments the midwives wanted me to be careful and were watching me closely. By 23 weeks I knew that things were not going well. I was getting shots every week to try and help but they did nothing. At the 23 week appointment I was getting an ultrasound and the technician really freaked out because my cervix was funneling and the baby was really low. They sent me straight to the hospital and didn't even want me to stand at all.

I was so upset. I felt horrible for leaving my little baby girl at home. It was November 30th, she was only 15 months old. The night before I remember rocking her for a long time while she slept, I didn't want to put her in her crib, and I think God wanted me to have that moment with her. Every night in the hospital I would stay up until one or two in the morning because I dreaded falling asleep alone. I couldn't even bare to think about all the precious time I was losing with my little girl. She didn't know me anymore. We were so close and ever since then, even now, she has always preferred Daddy before me. I was the Mom who never went anywhere without her baby. Evy was horrible at taking a bottle because she was so used to me always being there. I was powerless to do anything.

With our friends new baby Alexander

Bedrest in the hospital is a lot like prison, I'm sad to say. The only thing I had control over was when I wanted to take a shower. I would get to choose my meals, but that was only from a hospital cafeteria menu. Some days I was so depressed I couldn't even face the phone call it took to order the meal and they would have to call me to make sure I had a chance to order. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a joyous time in a persons life- and I look back on that time as such a dark period. It's hard to even write about it.

I questioned so much during that time, and I felt like I had no one to talk to. I didn't want to burden Alex, he was a single parent working a full time job and as a worship leader at our church. I think he didn't even know what to do- except stay busy and try to make ends meet. 

The doctors and nurses overall were wonderful, there were times when I had to go on an IV to get medication to stop contractions, or get shots. I have had so many crazy things done to me in relation to my pregnancies, before that I had never been in the hospital for anything. Instead of dealing with it, I had to be strong for everyone else and try to carry on. Every night I cried out to God asking Him why He wanted me to go through this. I would never get that time back with my girl.

But right away I would think of those parents who could do nothing but wait and pray while their one pound baby fought for her life. Or the couple to was begging God to let them have a baby and just get pregnant at all. There were still things to be thankful for and I tried to focus on that.

God didn't promise that this life would be easy. He knew that "the testing of my faith would produce steadfastness" and I knew that He was molding me and making me into who He wants me to be.

 So here I am back again after a long hiatus. I wanted to try to start up again but have felt overwhelmed and unsure of what to write. What do I share, am I wasting my time, etc. But for right now I think it is therapeutic and a good creative outlet for me to try and convey my thoughts to others in writing. As I stated earlier, there is so much to say, but today I will focus on one thought.

A couple of months ago I signed up Evy for Ballet. I know she is so young, but I was excited about her taking a class somewhere and thought this would be a fun girly thing for her to do- lately I've been thinking, what if she is my only girl? I've got to do all the girly things with her that I can in case I never get another chance, so ballet it is! The picture above was taken right before her class when we were heading out the door. I was hurrying and nervous, not sure what Evy's response would be, and if she was too young, would she enjoy it, what would she do...

 Well, when I got there, it wasn't very promising, the teacher was a few minutes late, and I thought, if she doesn't do a good job, I guess we wont be going. Well, Miss Tibby showed up and we started in the room. Evy would NOT leave my side, watching and interested in what the teacher would do and say, but making sure that she was in my lap, not even sitting next to me, but ON me. A few minutes later, we started doing some tumbling on the mats, and Evy followed me down the mat, doing the log roll. Her smile appeared and pretty soon she was copying everything the teacher was doing!

 This is her jumping like a frog down the yellow line. Miss Tibby did a great job singing to the kids, doing little rhyming activities, practicing lots of large motor skills, and following directions. By the end of the class Evy was just brave enough to run across the room from me, do a little pose into the mirror while she looked at herself, and then quickly run back to me. We had so much fun and I loved seeing her blossom and bloom into a brave, fun-loving, little 2 year old.

 I was surprised at my nervousness at the beginning, and surprised and proud of my little girl at how well she adjusted and participated in the class. Time keeps going by and I am amazed at how fast things change and my baby is already a little girl. Again, I am reminded at God's blessings that He has given me and how important it is to cherish this time in my life.

I LOVE the lyrics in this song

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

November 7

There are many things to write about today, so here it goes.

I just did all my grocery shopping online. It was harder than I anticipated, so I didn't love it, but I am thankful for the option of sitting at home and doing it all online, and receiving it the next day right at my door. I guess I wont take it for granted when I can start going out and getting them myself again.

I am at a new clinic this time with this baby. I was looking for a place that had midwives and was also into more preventative care. They have done a great job of keeping a close eye on me, which is great. I have been getting ultrasound every 4 weeks to measure my cervix and make sure that I am not starting preterm labor again. well at my 15 week ultrasound everything was looking really really great and I was encouraged thinking maybe this pregnancy would be different. We went to Denver, had a really great time, I've been feeling the baby move a lot, and just been feeling really great overall. I don't remember feeling this good with Evy. So I had my 20 week ultrasound last week and found out that my cervix had shortened 2 cm which was way too much. Especially in only 4 weeks. Right away I got the 17p shot which gives me extra progesterone in the hopes that it will make my body keep the baby in longer. I was also told I need to lie down when Evy is napping, and be careful about how much I pick her up. Along with that comes cutting out other activities that will help me take it easy. So I am no longer going to BSF, which is a bummer because I LOVED studying Acts, there is so much that I was learning. Also little things like grocery shopping, there is a lot of lifting involved there so that's another thing that I can cut back on. I am still working out the details, but I really hope that if I do these things, maybe complete bedrest wont happen this time, and life can go on as normal for Evy.

Whew. Now you are updated.

Evy is seriously so so so sweet. I cannot believe how much fun I am having with her. Usually she is a Daddy's girls but I swear the minute I came home from the Dr appt last week she just wants mama all the time. Ha ha ha. She is so verbal and mimicking everything we say. It is so fun to see everything that she learns every day. I am really proud of her.

Today marks the 12 year of my mothers passing. I don't really have any special memories about this day, I don't really enjoy thinking about the day that she passed but it means a lot to me that people close to me remember what this day is.

When I think of my mom, which I do often, usually I wonder what it would be like to have her here now. I wonder what she would think of my life, of Alex, and Evy. I wonder what it would be like to have her around at times like this, when I especially need help with keeping up on everyday life. I guess most of those things are selfish thoughts on how it would be different in my life, but that is just what I wonder. I can't imagine going through what she went through knowing she had to leave her babies too early. That part is the hardest to think about.

I am thankful for what time I did have with her. I am thankful for the fact that I will see her again one day. I am thankful for my God, who has a plan for my life, and all I have to do is simply trust Him. I am thankful that my God chooses to allow difficult things in my life because it has deepened my faith and brought me closer to Him. And I am thankful for peace that really does pass understanding.

October

Hey all!

Not sure who is reading but Hi! I am at home, it has been a very quiet weekend and I thought maybe I should take some time and catch up on my blog. Here is Evy and I and the amazing view we had a couple of weeks ago up in Silver Bay, MN. It was a perfect getaway for our family, we had some time up there alone together and later in the weekend some friends came up and joined us. This is where Evy really started to walk! No TV or internet, just the beauty of God's creation and time together- so refreshing! Sorry the quality is so bad- these pictures are all from my really old iPhone :)

This was taken at the Pine Tree Apple Orchard, another fall must if you live in MN. We have actually had a long gorgeous fall this year, and have been doing our best to take advantage of the great weather before it leaves us. And yes, I got bangs. I did it on a whim at my last hair appointment but I have to say, and I am surprised, but I have never had so many compliments on a haircut before! Even from strangers! It's funny too, because it has been over a month but people still tell me they love it, so I think its a hint from everyone that I must be a bangs person. I remember in third grade the long painful chore of growing them out, but I think it was worth it this time to chop them off :)

Alex and I went on a date Friday night to a place in downtown St. Paul called Cosetta and I LOVED it! Best Italian restaurant in MN! Seriously, this place is legit. So of course I want to bring everybody I know there because I get excited about food (the most Italian thing about me) but really, most people have probably been there it has been around for a hundred years or more. I think. Anyway, like I've said before, it really is the little things :) At least for me.

And there is one more sweet piece of news. I've been waiting to share, but baby Walburg number two is coming in March! It was a bit of a surprise, but a wonderful one nonetheless. We are so happy and excited! I have had two ultrasounds already so here is a picture at 15 weeks, I am currently 17 weeks and feeling really, really great. More details to come later on how this pregnancy is going. But as always, there is SO much to be thankful for.

All things Fall

Sorry about another month off, sometimes I feel like there is nothing that is worth writing about so why waste time. Truth is, there is always something, but I haven't been feeling "inspired" to share lately.

We had SO much fun with Evy's birthday! There were lots of loved ones there that showed up, and despite the weather being a lot warmer than anticipated, we all had a great time. (There could be many worse problems) Evy was a doll, and it is amazing how fast she changes! I still can't believe that just a year ago at this time she was so tiny and I hardly knew her. I am loving the personality that is coming out of her, she really is very sweet and happy, and I can't wait to see what else shows up in the next year.

This weekend we are going to Silver Bay and I am incredibly excited. I have been looking forward to this all summer. Our first family outing in a long time. We have friends joining us later in the weekend but we will have some good time together just the three of us. I think that the leaves will just be changing as we get up there and the weather should still be nice and sunny. There is a lot of laundry and packing left to be finished but I thought I would update quickly and promise more pictures soon. Currently they are all on other peoples camera's. Ours never seems good enough any more :) oh boy.

Birthday Blessings

Today is my dear husbands birthday. What comes to mind when I want to tell people about him... servant leader. Honestly. He works SO hard for our family, and rarely takes a break. He is solid, ALWAYS there for me. He laughs at me a lot, and I think that is a good sign. He is my best friend, my closest confidant, the one who challenges me to be better, we pray together almost every day, and he means what he says with all his heart. We watch movies together that make him cry and hug me really hard, I get pouty when I don't get enough time with him actually staring at my face when we talk. I discovered that when he is gone I literally cannot sleep. Not because I am scared, because it is now completely unnatural for me to sleep without him right next to me. We go on dates a lot now that we have a child- I know that's backwards. He has beautiful blue eyes that really stand out in pictures and yay for us, evy got them too. He smells good, I love hugging him and smelling that smell that only he has- its home to me. He is one of the most patient people I know, with me, evy, riley, we all test his patience at one time or another. He tells me he loves me every day. He says good bye to me every morning and gets evy for me every night when she wakes up. He does dishes, he loves God, and isn't afraid to show it, even in front of a lot of people, like when he is leading worship at our church. What job is more important than leading others in worship? When I think about my life before him, I laugh because he has made me the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been. He gave me a lifetime commitment, a child, a marriage that points others to Christ (I hope) a life of service, and so much more. He is my provider and protector and everything that God intended him to be. Even when things are hard with money, or time, or whatever it is, when I look at it from the right perspective I can't help but be at peace because- get ready for it- I really am beyond blessed!